Felicitations Newsletter #6

Wait, do we have to go out and meet people again?!

I started getting neurotic again last week. (Well…more neurotic.) I started not being able to sleep. I started worrying about my work and what I’m doing with my life. I started worrying about how much money I’ve saved, and how I might not be able to afford my kid’s college tuition in 15 years. I started getting paranoid that my sedentary lifestyle during COVID has deteriorated my brain, so I did one aerobic workout yesterday that was 22 minutes long and literally can’t stand up today, there is so much paaaainn in my upper thighs! I started berating myself for not having gotten an agent or a manager for acting work yet, so made a list of 30 people I know who could help me, then had a panic attack about reaching out to any of them for referrals. THEN I decided I was too old for acting anyway, and that I needed to do something else with my life. But then I got feedback on one thing I wrote that had some mild (but pertinent) criticisms, and I collapsed in an emotional heap of “I’m a horrible writer, who am I fooling that ‘putting letters together’ thing could be a career for me?!”

And after all THAT, I started binging “House Hunters” and other escapist travel shows because CLEARLY my destiny is to run an Airbnb in Tuscany. That’s A TOTALLY PRACTICAL PLAN, RIGHT?! Sigh. I wish.

Rather than wallow this feeling like I used to do (hi, emotional growth!), I sat down and tried to think through why this was happening to me all of a sudden. And I realized…

Vaccines are doing this to me.

No it’s not a side effect, I haven’t gotten mine yet. But seeing everyone getting them started freaking me out. Because, if I want to be totally honest, I don’t want to get back to my old “regular” life yet. I’m not ready. I mean, last March I vowed to learn French. That hasn’t happened yet. WHY ARE THINGS OPENING UP AGAIN?!?! MERDE!

I’m sure I’m not alone. I’ve seen news articles posted on this exact phenomenon, but to be honest, the headlines about people being anxious about post-Covid life make me too anxious to click on them, hahahahhaa…I’m a mess. I know that part of me would love to stay in sweatpants for the next decade, sitting behind a computer, baking too many cupcakes like I have been over the last year, but that’s not a healthy or sustainable career plan. I’m an adult (kinda)and I need to figure out the best path forward for myself.

But that might involve hard choices. So I don’t wannnnnnnaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

I’m not going to whine too much about Hollywood here, but it’s hard. It’s a lot of constant rejection, which is easy to internalize. For the first time in 20 years, because of being removed from all that for a whole year, I LIKE MYSELF THE WAY I AM! I’m pretty cool! This is a great feeling! But I know this sense of confidence isn’t 100% solid yet. I’m not fully baked, and know that if I get sent back into that world too early, I might desperately start to please everyone again. I don’t want revert to that old version of myself. That Felicia was sad and had way too many acid reflux issues. I want to learn from this last year of Covid isolation, and set up the next year, and all the years after that, to be happier and healthier, mentally. We all should be able to do that!

But…how?

Well, as I said, I don’t have the answer yet for myself, much less for anyone reading this. We all need to deal with it in our individual ways. It will be a big transition for all of us, like it or not. So we DO need to take some time and formulate a plan, not allow ourselves to get swept up into old patterns of behavior. The better prepared we are, the less likely we’ll lose the lessons we may have learned about ourselves during this collective traumatic experience. I mean, a few month ago I made POPOVERS from SCRATCH! Clearly, I’m a richer, more nuanced woman now. I can’t let that fall by the wayside! {whispers: from scratch.}

When I take a step back, I see that there are positive and negative things that I’ve learned about myself in the last year. For instance, on the positive side, I’ve learned that:

• I operate better with less on my plate.

• It’s okay to say “no” to things, even if they’re a good idea for my career.

• I love my kid and being with her is a priority.

• I know what it feels like now to be calm and happy with my life and that feeling is worth fighting for.

On the other hand, the bad side, I’ve learnt that:

• I work better under deadlines.

• I miss traveling and meeting new people.

• A lot of what made me unhappy is part of a creator’s career. And I need to figure out how to deal with the rejection stuff better, or figure something else out.

• I definitely will not study French when there are video games to play.

I think I know how to move forward now: Carefully, and thoughtfully. No face-first jumping into things anymore. I’m excited for the world to open up again, I just want to make sure I’m opening up at MY OWN pace, not the one the world is dictating. So I urge everyone to do some belly button gazing. There may be lint down there. It might be clean as a whistle. But knowing what’s down there will help you to have a plan. And, as every good neurotic knows, a plan is worth it’s weight in gold. And who knows, you might find gold in your bellybutton! Which would be weird but maybe solve some financial problems, so congrats!

Sorry, I just couldn’t think of another way to end this essay.

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Interesting Links:

• WEEKLY RECIPE: I didn’t make this but it’s so frikkin’ beautiful and complicated I wanted to share it so someone else can make it for me, lol. Monstera Cake Roll

• I’m addicted to the YouTube channel Pasta Grannies. I want this filmmaker’s job. Watch this video to have your pasta-mind blown!

• My daughter is obsessed with ancient Egypt, this Netflix doc about uncovering long-forgotten tombs is amazing and worth a watch.

• Evidently another planet crashed into Earth long ago to make the moon?!

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Personal Links (Also Interesting):

• My Twitch streaming schedule is HERE. We recently raised over $15k for Able Gamers Charity, so thank you for that support!

• We have NEW t-shirts available for The Guild! A portion of the proceeds go to Able Gamers. Look I even combed my hair and too a pic in it!

  

• Friday April 5th I’m hosting an interview on Oculus with filmmaker Rodney Asher on his Simulation Theory movie, “Glitch in the Matrix.” It’s streaming now BTW!

• Felicitations and Undressing Bridgerton are posted everywhere you get podcasts, open your ear holes and leave a review if you like them, please!

• Lastly, subscribe to this newsletter so you get it in your inbox every week.

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See you in two weeks, and on my Discord channel in between for chatting and friendship! <3

oxox
Felicia