Los Angeles: Not that Bad
In which I defend and guide you haphazardly through my "home" city.
When one plans a trip to Los Angeles, one is filled with hope and prepare to be dazzled with glamour and hotness and beaches and famous people. But when one actually FLIES into Los Angeles one is greeted with…brown. Hazy brown smog covering land covered in brown square. And it’s ENDLESS. Like, truly, I think the city itself is the size of Denmark or something. And it’s wall to wall BROWN on BROWN. Nothing looks glam. Nothing looks cool. And at this point early in the trip, one might say to oneself, “Wow, this isn’t that great!” And I would reply: “No it isn’t. But I STILL LOVE IT.”
Los Angeles is hard to sell to people because the only thing people think of is the Hollywood version of it. The beaches, the boobs, the ambition, the parties. And it has that, sure. Maybe. I guess? But as someone who doesn’t spend money on glamour or go out and wouldn’t touch the beach with a 10 foot pole lol, I can tell you that there’s so much more to the city than that! And I’d love for people to know it!
I’ve lived here for 20 years. (That’s a whole grownups worth of time, eep!) And I’ve sadly never REALLY heard anyone who lived outside LA say, “Oh what a great city.” And I mean, I get it. This is the kind of place you have to know exactly where to go when you get in your car, because just wandering around is not going to get you anywhere but sad and late for literally anything.
The last time I went to Europe, I walked 8 hours straight in London one day. And loved every minute of it. (I ate high tea and scones and cupcakes everywhere I went so it wasn’t really a health+ thing, but hey, maybe I broke even!) When I later got home to LA I said to myself, “Why don’t you do more walking here?! Try to make your home town walkable! You can do this!” So I just set out one day in the Hollywood area to walk. And walk. And walk. And…er…I saw nothing good. I breathed car fumes all day. I almost got hit by a car three times. A very drunk man harassed me and then puked near me at 10am. These are not things I wish to repeat. Sorry, the experiment sucked! LA is a car city, through and through.
But if you dig in, wow do we have EVERYTHING here. And it’s all just a 45 minute drive away! :D Seriously, LA is the kind of city you have to get to know on the ground. Up close and personal. It’s like a Diablo map: You gotta uncover that fog of war to get where you want to go. And no matter how many times you explore it, there’s always a sliver of it that’s still foggy. I’ve been here so long and every week I’m like, “Wow I didn’t know this was here!” It might have been a place I’ve never driven by before, or just something that popped up on the bones of something old. Or maybe I’m just famously unobservant (probably this). Whatever it is, there’s always something new to discover. It’s truly an explorer’s town.
So let me give you some tips on LA:
Plan, plan plan. Again, this place is too hard to navigate on the fly. Center your activities in one area for the day, like Downtown or the westside or the valley. Efficiency will make you not hate your trip.
Los Angeles is not really a city. It’s a puzzle of about 100 different neighborhoods
mushed together. Everything has something different and each is appealing in its own way. So if you want the glam, sure go visit Beverly Hills! It has the same designer shops you can get in any other large city, but go for it! Say you went! Then leave quickly and go other places! Same with Hollywood Blvd. It’s the worst place in town, but the handprints and Grauman’s Chinese theater are neat. Clutch your purse and your nose (it’s very pee-y) take your pics, then GET OUT!
Yes, do the tourist cliche stuff. Universal Tour and Citywalk, etc. Do Grand Central Market and Disney Hall and Chinatown and Olivera street downtown, in a pack if you can. Nice trip. The Getty Museum up on the hill is amazing, as is the Natural History Museum near downtown. The Getty Villa is way up the road toward Malibu but is really my fave place ever and worth a detour. The La Brea Tar Pits and the Peterson Auto Museum and LACMA are all right next to each other in the center of town and make a nice afternoon when you combine them with a visit to The Grove mall up the street, which has a great standing Farmer’s Market for noshes.
For streets packed with great stuff and walking-ish experiences, I’d recommend 3rd street between the Beverly Center and The Grove (two big malls), Abbot Kinney in Venice Beach, York Street in Highland Park, Larchmont Blvd in Hollywood, and either Ventura Blvd in Studio City or Colorado Blvd in Pasadena for good ol’ suburban American experiences. LA can be middle America too! For “fancy” beach shopping, try Montana Ave in Santa Monica. Or for a cool spot with fabrics and knock-offs, try Santee Alley downtown. We have it all, spread out over the lands!
I am a glutton, so I’d advise you to form your trip around your food. LA is incredibly diverse. If there’s a nationality, there’s an area packed with that cuisine culture. Thaitown is my fave. Koreatown is immense. You could eat KBBQ every night for years and still never eat at the same place. Yum! For food guides, Eater LA generally has great resources. My favorite restaurants are Jitlada (Thai), Bestia (Italian), Joy (Taiwanese), Lalibela (Ethiopian), Gjelina (California), Gjusta, (Bakery. Venice loves their Gjs!) Sugarfish (Sushi, not the fanciest, but great), Sonoratown (casual mexican tacos), Guelaguetza (Oaxacan, mole YUM!), Park’s BBQ (Korean), Moo’s BBQ (Southern BBQ), The Great White (LA brunch), Bub and Grandma’s (Hipster Deli), Anarbagh (Indian), Saffy’s (Middle Eastern), Republique (Bakery and brunch AND fancy Dinner too!), Szechuan Impression (OG outpost far away from town, but they have a Westside outpost now!)…I mean I could go on and on! Me hungry!
If you have children, Mommy Poppins has a great guide to local events. I check it weekly. The LA Zoo is great. Huntington Gardens and Descanso Gardens are glorious. If you stick a plant in the ground it grows here.
There are some fun hikes around the immense Griffith Park. (Yes I go outdoors sometimes. Rarely, but sometimes). You can hike up to the Griffith Observatory which is fun, and even rent horses to ride under the Hollywood sign.
Cold hard fact: the beaches here kinda suck. The water is cold and usually full of sewage. If you want to do the beach thing, drive to Malibu if you can. Paradise Cove is lovely. Venice Beach is a bit sketchy sometimes, but has a flavor you wouldn’t hate on a weekend, prolly. Also there are miles of bike paths along the beach there, so renting a bike in Santa Monica and traveling up and down is pretty sweet! And there’s Rosie’s dog beach in Long Beach (FAR!) that is pretty delightful with all the puppies roaming around.
NERD STUFF! Golden Apple Comics is my Jam. There’s a Funko store on Hollywood Blvd that’s worth a stop. NextGen board games is my FLGS, but Geeky Teas in Burbank is great.
If you like clubs…look somewhere else, I’ve been to like three in my whole life. I’m sure there are tons of cool ones out there. Again, not my bag.
FYI Disneyland is in Anaheim. That’s an hour away from Los Angeles. In Orange County. Which is practically another state in itself. Do not think you can just “pop” into LA from there and vice versa. You will be madly disappointed.
Do not attempt to bike places outside the beach boardwalk. You will probably die.
And yes, do get a car. You literally have to.
I would love to live in a city without a vehicle. But I live in the very opposite kind of place. And yet when I think, “Maybe I should move…” there’s no options for me. There’s nowhere REALLY I can see living other than here. I love the food. I love the diversity. I love the lotto-ticket vibe of, “Your life could change on a dime, just stick around long enough!” of Hollywood randomness. And yeah, mostly I love the weather. I’m not into seasons. They’re gauche. I get seasonal affective disorder when the sky is grey for one day. Three months straight? Seattle, no wonder ya’ll mainline coffee!
The funny thing is that people think it’s hot here all the time. Har har, I’m from Austin, TX. I know hot. Los Angeles is 70 degrees year round. I carry a sweater with me even in July.
Perfect weather, imperfect city, I’ll take it. Come visit! I’ll be in my house! :D
Interesting Links:
Wanna see how big ancient giant geese were? Probably not. It’s terrifying. The regular sized ones are scary enough!
My friend Eli Clark has a cool WEEKLY blog called Witch’s Mark about Tarot cards and her life and being a writer in Hollywood. Great insights, great gal. <3
A guy was ordered to hide the boat in his driveway so he did the best thing ever. Boaty McBoatFace move over, there’s a new boat story in town!
This article about how actors learn their lines shows interesting stuff about how memory work. (It’s how I learn lines, so I felt seen! :D)
Personal Links (Also Interesting):
My 2024 convention schedule is VERY light this summer, look on my website for autumn dates in Toronto, Liverpool, Orlando and more!
My Undressing Podcast with Tom Lenk is BACK covering Bridgerton season 3! We are releasing on YouTube as well in video form!
New June models have DROPPED on my Feliciaday3D page!
Earrings, four new Horoscope necklaces, Tink and Zaboo minis, and a FREE rainbow Pride Month model for my birthday that supports LGBTQA+ charities! Check out my update post for all the details! And BTW you don’t need your own printer for this, check this directory of Maker Spaces to see if there’s one near you that you can bring a file to and print something up!
See you next month, and on my Discord channel in between for chatting and friendship! <3
oxxo
Felicia
I used to spend my summers in LA. I grew up in Oakland, but had family in LA too, and you have nailed this exactly. I guess I was one of the few Northern Californians who liked LA.
I always think of a few jokes when it comes to LA:
1). During the 1984 Summer Olympics in LA, someone threw a javelin into the air, and it stuck!
2). To get ready for the Olympics in LA, runners from other countries ran behind diesel trucks and buses to get acclimated.
3). Johnny Carson used to joke that every time he took a walk in LA, he would get stopped by the police and ask what he was doing. He would answer "walking." And they would ask, "Why?"
I also recommend that anyone who does not get it watch L.A. Story (2011) with Steve Martin. It will help get you ready for LA if you plan to come.
I grew up out there. I miss lots about it. I don't miss the traffic or the quakes. Thanks for the memories.