Felicitations Newsletter #20

Frozen Awkwardness! Not unfamiliar! Unfortunately!

I can’t shake the mortification so I need to get this story out, if only to exorcize the demon of embarrassment that’s been haunting me at 2am nightly for the last week or so. Here’s a confessional dump!

I was doing press for my Audible project “Third Eye” (Which you’ve TOTALLY already listened to right?!) and was invited on a very cool actor’s podcast. I had not met this person before, but I knew and admired his work from a few things I’d seen him in. However, I was certainly was not an expert on his resume, and DID NOT DO MY HOMEWORK ABOUT ALL HIS ACTING CREDITS BEFORE THE INTERVIEW. (The all-caps will play into the rest of the story, promise.)

So I’m doing the interview, and we’re talking about movies, and he seems to be a cinema aficionado, which makes me feel a bit insecure because I am NOT, so I say, truthfully, I hadn’t been keeping up on my movies since my six-year-old goes to bed too late to stay up and watch them, and going to the actual movie theatre costs me $100 in babysitting fees for the night, so I have to make sure the movie’s worth it. And then, I jokingly name a big movie that came out last year and say, “…for example ‘X’ movie. I saw that but it wasn’t really worth it. Har har.” I laugh lightly, clearly joking.

And then it settles in: Terrifying frozen silence.

We’re on zoom for this audio interview, and he takes a beat and looks at me and says, “Hmm, interesting you mention that movie. Very interesting.” Another frozen awkward pause. Oh, no. Oh, no no nononononononno….

Now, I’m intelligent, and pathologically hyper-sensitive to other peoples’ feelings, so I know full well when I’ve stuck something in it. Believe me, I’m an EXPERT at sticking things in it! (Don’t be lewd.)

So I’m looking at him, and time has slowed down to mico-micro-micro seconds, and my tiny reptile brain is screaming at me, “Felicia! He must have been in that movie! How did you forget he was in that movie?! Are you sure you even SAW that movie that you just dissed?!” (And in retrospect, I HAD NOT! It was another movie I was remembering, which makes it even worse somehow that I insulted the movie and the actor AND I hadn’t even seen it?!) So anyway, I start to sweat. And feel cold all over. And then sweat again. And I’m just staring the whole time. Silently. Even on zoom, this is weird. So the actor says again, “Mm hmm. Very funny you should mention that movie…” fishing for me to say something, and my brain is screaming, “MAKE A JOKE FELICIA. CALL OUT WHAT YOU ARE THINKING! HE IS CLEARLY HINTING HE WAS IN THE MOVIE! JUST SAY IT AND TRY TO FIX THIS SOMEHOW, JESUSSSSSS!”

But I couldn’t. For some reason my connection with my own mouth had VANISHED. I couldn’t think or move for like thirty seconds (or maybe three? It felt like forty-five years.)

You know how a prey animal freezes in the brush when they think they’ve been spotted so a predator doesn’t start running at them and tear them to pieces? Yes, clearly I’d be reincarnated as a prey animal, I’m not stupid. Well I just looked at this actor, who was a very handsome and a justified predator in this moment, and I thought in silent abject fear, “Please, sir. Don’t eat me. I didn’t mean to be a Dik-Dik.” And I said….nothing. Just stared. Again.

Neither of us spoke for another few beats. Eventually the pause got SOOO awkward that he cleared his throat and, like a normal human who was in control of himself, moved the conversation along. The podcast proceeded fine, we hit it off after that bump (I think?! Maybe not, OH GOD don’t even think like that!) and hopefully they edit the crap out of the recording so it doesn’t sound like I’m the worst/most insulting interviewee in the history of everything. We’ll seeeee!

Like I said, this was two weeks ago. But I can’t let the moment go. It haunts me. I need to get over it. But I can’t. Sigh.

I think it’s all tied to the fact that I thought I was OVER this kind of stuff. For fifteen years, or maybe since birth, I’ve had panic attacks and out-of-body experiences in stressful situations like this, where I completely lose my faculties. When I’d make a tiny mistake, my consciousness would zoom outside of me, abandoning myself like an empty mannequin. This is why I was always second or third choice in big auditions back in the day. A small sound in the audience or mis-spoken word on my part would zoom me out of my body and I’d leave the room afterward, both me and the producers/directors/casting directors wondering, “Yikes, what happened to her?”

I’ve been sooo much better lately, though! :( The last several years, I’ve had the privilege to be able to slow down. Through self-care and therapy and living my life more functionally, I thought I’d built up a stronger sense of self. A low dose of Lexapro has helped me slow my brain down a lot, which has helped being able to bounce back from missteps with (a little) charm and control. Functional sleep, meditation, less caffeine… You name it, I’ve implemented it, to amazing effect. But…it wasn’t quite enough. One tiny “stick-foot-way-in-it” moment and I froze. Ugh.

So…I’m working through it! And the mortification has faded a bit. Writing about it here helps because I know there has to be at least one other person out there who experiences this kind of frozen anxiety attack, right?! Raise your hand! Maybe we can support each other! “Hey, we’re gonna get through this and EVERY moment together! Awkward screw-up POWERS UNITE!”

All I can do is just work on forgiving myself. Because, screw up or not, we all need to feel like we’re loved, no matter what.

← I’m gonna embroider that on a pillow and sleep on it, lol.

Will I ever get to the point where I’ll be able to shake the awkwardness and panic and react to stressful situations in a gathered, intelligent way?

Nah, probably not.

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Interesting Links:

• All the British Baking Show recipes from the show in one place! Just in time for the calorie-packed holidays!

• Urban Planning nerds (represent!!) will get a kick out of this cool website highlighting the transformation on dwellings in Spain over the last century or so.

• Swearing in ASL is something we should all know how to do, right?

• FINALLY! Science explains the Red Wine headache! ITS REAL, I TOLD YOU!

• I’m gonna ruin your holidays by giving you a free addictive game: Suika. You’re welcome.

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Personal Links (Also Interesting):

• My new personal website felicia.day is up! Thanks to WebDevStudios for taking on the project and doing an amazing job! So proud of the refresh.

• On December 7th 7am-7pm I’ll be doing a 12-hour Twitch marathon to raise money for the Atlanta bird rescue organization Papayago Rescue House! Please come by and help the charity out. See cute birds and watch me play games about birds! Win/Win! (Or just donate to them for Giving Tuesday, that works too!)

• XMAS PLUG: My activity-filled book “Embrace Your Weird” is a great gift for the creative peeps in your life. And my Audible original “Third Eye” is 7 hours worth of fantasy adventure laughs, perfect for your road trip/airplane needs!

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Happy Holidays! See you next month, and on my Discord channel in between for chatting and friendship! <3

oxxo
Felicia